Op-ed: Are you suffering from Election Dysfunction?

Are you suffering from Election Dysfunction? Oct. 2008

Many of you may not be aware, but Canada just had an election. Don’t feel too bad, I’m Canadian and just recently heard about it myself. Unless you were watching a lot of Canadian television over the past thirty-seven days, you wouldn’t be privy to the campaigning that resulted in re-establishing and strengthening Stephen Harper’s conservative minority government. Of course, the Canadian conservatives are barely distinguishable from American Liberals, so everyone here can remain blissfully ignorant that nothing has changed for your neighbors to the north.

The Election passed like a mild fever in Canada. A few people were vaguely aware of its effects on them. Some were mildly nauseated. Others simply confused it with the abnormally warm weather over the Thanksgiving (Columbus Day) weekend. A few were genuinely caught up in the political fever, but it’s a relatively mild malady, especially in comparison to the veritable plague sweeping this great nation.

The day of the last debate between presidential hopefuls, Senators Obama and McCain, was the day after the Canadian elections. I tried to find the outcome on the msn.ca webpage but there was more new media coverage readily available on the elections here, still weeks away, than those counted at home hours before.

If the Canadian campaign passes like a fever, then the American is more like Malaria. Few of us here are familiar with the disease that grips vast percentages of the world’s populace with cyclic fevers, chills, sweating, malaise, headaches, dizziness, anorexia, fatigue and should the disease pass the blood-brain barrier, eventually death. However, it is estimated that malaria is responsible for ½ of the deaths in the history of mankind; the way the rest of the world views America’s politics you’d think we were vying for the other half. Estimates approximate that 300-500 million people are exposed to Malaria every year, with 1.5-3 million cases proving ultimately fatal.

American politics incites heated conversations, frigid attitudes, pains in necks and, well, other areas, plenty of cold sweats, migraines, loss of appetite, depression, and should card-carrying voters cross the adversary’s demonstration lines, let’s just say their health insurance better not be in arrears. It seems like American politics effectively reaches billions, and while the resulting fatalities are still being tallied, they are generally the result of secondary causes and complications involved in the pseudo-democratic process of a two-party system.

Malaria is a disease carried by the female Anopheles mosquito. Due to its extinction in North America, we’re generally unfamiliar with preventative measures such as mosquito netting, clothing, and sprays all resulting in avoidance of contact, or the varied prophylaxis and their relative effectiveness that is rote for the rest of the world. Meanwhile, the rest of the world has little means of defending itself from the relentless attacks of the American media, politicos, pundits, and populace in their struggle to overcome this bi-annual ailment carried by Washington’s elite, nor do they know about the power button on our remotes, the volume dial on our radios, the mass quantities of alcohol we consume, especially on our college campuses, as the foremost inoculation against this disease passed on from our elders. It’s frightening to think that apathy is the only apparent treatment that is readily available and easy to come by in abundant supply.

Perhaps that is the light at the end of the day, or the end of yet another election: that there is hope on the horizon. There is change in the future. It lies buried, like a seed. The growing disillusionment of the up and coming generations, their seeming immunity to the stings and the venom and the other modes of infection flying around unabated during daily news casts, scheduled debates, blue and red signs littering the autumn countryside, and in voting booths, too-oft-tampered and miscounted to trust, is evidence that there is hope of a cure. The cure is apathy. We caught it from Canada.

(Side effects of apathy include restlessness, depression, anxiety, headaches, ennui, nausea, partial or total paralysis, stagnation, and a lack of targets to relieve pent up aggression, scorn, ridicule and hatred for all the problems that still won’t go away.)

B.F. Burden

(http://www.cdc.gov/malaria/facts.htm)